Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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