i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
