Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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