So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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