i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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