i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
