i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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