I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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