omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize