Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize