An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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