I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
