I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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