U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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