I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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