there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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