i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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