8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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