So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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