A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
