There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
