a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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