Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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