Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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