Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
