Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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