My liver just broke up with me...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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