Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
