Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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