Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
