I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
