You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
