I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
