Jerry, you need to find god
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
