Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
