I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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