you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life is pants optional.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
