I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
