I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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