all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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