There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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