I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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