yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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