I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
