I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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