You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
