Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I want a musical about memes.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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