I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
