census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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