Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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