i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
