so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
