At least make sure they are 18
Why
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
