You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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